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No Apparent Contact |
My life stayed in a very physical cycle without recognition of spirit for four years. I worked in a factory enjoying friendships and getting on with living. Painting rose its head again so I left work to complete work for an exhibition. I had needed to do the exhibition to get it out of my system because it was hindering my progress. Nothing had come of the project financially so I wondered what to do next. There was a brief period of settling down and looking at the options open to me. I knew that there were personal problems that I had to work through, things that I could only do whilst living almost totally in the physical plane. If I had looked at my notes at this point, I could have recognized what was going on. Four years previous my guide had told me that I would be working with plants and learning practical skills to give me confidence and that I would also give up alcohol it would be easy. To this last suggestion I had said "No way".
Money was running out fast so I had to do something. I had applied for several jobs with not even an interview from any of them. The last application I wrote out I decided to answer the questions totally honestly. Where it said why do you think you should be given this job, I wrote that I had long hair and two dogs. I hummed and ard whether this was the right answer to put but all else had failed so what did I have to lose. It was after all the only honest answer I could think of considering the job was in horticulture, a subject I knew very little about.
Sure enough, I got an interview and eventually the job. It was for a limited period and was back breaking work, tying saplings up canes. The work ended so I thought that was that. The wholesale nursery I was working for was at the time erecting a two-acre glasshouse and they needed extra labor to complete the task. Having shown a practical aptitude and a will to work I stayed on to help eventually becoming a permanent member of staff.
This stability allowed me to work on things in my life that needed sorting out and it gave a great appreciation of working outside. I learnt more communication skills and developed useful interdependent relationships. The most interesting thing I found out was how I was given the job in the first place. There had been quite a considerable time delay between sending the application off and being granted an interview. Candidates more suited for the job had been given the position so my application had been put in a file for possible later employment. When the job that I eventually got became available, the file was given to an employee who would be supervising me. He had long hair and was interested in similar things to me, so I got the job. If I had not been honest in writing the application, I would not have got the intended job.
As this four-year cycle progressed the skills and experiences I need were presented and lived through. It was not until the end of it that I fully appreciated what had been going on. In this period of my life I was living in a very physical way, doing a physical job and bumbling along quite happily. Contact with guides had come to a trickle, allowing me to work on myself, now and then a word or two would come through but it was only a reminder that they were still there. At night, I would have conversations with myself trying to work out what was going on in my life, why I felt so disconnected and distant from every body else and me. Aiddrienne came into my consciousness again although I still regarded the whole guide thing as a bit of a laugh. She was not the energy that I knew when we had first met. I saw her as part of my memory and imagination, so I started talking to her instead of myself. Her full name as told to me when we first became acquainted was Aiddrienne Elizabeth Francoise Charmichael. Over the years, she changed her name to Elizabeth then Francoise and eventually Carmichael, each one bringing up a totally different image to the previous one. I viewed them as just imaginary friends, someone to discuss things with myself; guides were farthest from my mind. She was an anchor for me when I needed one and a safe refuge when situations got tough. Oddly or perhaps not, the first letter of her names re-arranged spells FACE. I did not work that out until all the faces had been seen. During the day, I would deny to myself that my mind was in turmoil, only to chat to Carmichael when I went to bed that night.
During this time my senses were dulled and I felt as though my mind was stagnating. The worst feeling was of emptiness. Financially and physically my life was buoyant but the spirit was shut up in a small corner of my life without recognition. All the learning I had gone through did not make a difference to me, knowing this made me feel worse. However I looked at the situation helplessness pulled me down to an all time low. Hope seemed to make me feel worse, if I had believed there was no remedy to my problems then I felt as though I could cope and just get on with life. Knowing deep in my heart that there was a solution made me despair of myself. I new I had to start looking for something when I wrote in desperation on a piece of paper How long can I keep up this deceit and lies? Until I find something to take its place. It fell out of my pen and it jolted me into realizing how serious my predicament was, and it worried me greatly. I thought I was done with mind games. What was I lying to myself about? What would replace it? My thoughts raced around thinking of anything that might be wrong but still I did not connect it with the denial of my spiritual life. Painful as it was to admit that my pride was preventing me from moving forward, I would have to get inside my head and have a poke about to see what was up.
I was now on my own or so I thought. Living a very spiritual existence had given me a headache and trying to explain to people about my experiences and beliefs was too much like hard work. Burying the whole episode in the same way that I had buried Christianity had seemed the easiest thing to do. Even when there was the odd word of guidance from Carmichael, I dismissed it as a bit of memory recall. Looking back at the way I became has made me aware of how powerful the mind is at explaining things away just to please the conscious ego and leave us in chaos. My denial of anything spiritual was at such a level that I could go to bed at night and have a conversation with a guide before going to sleep only to wake up believing that it had not happened. I was fearful of accepting the existence of another dimension in case my life was turned upside down again and I would have to face the truth. That little sentence was working its magic. I had found the object of my denial.
© Phil Ironside