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Re-awakenings |
For years I stumbled through situations, trying to control things and being controlled, never really clear what was going on, still with a strange driving force in me looking for something or someone to give a pointer in the right direction. In December 1989, I had little money living in a bedsit but free, not knowing or caring what was going to happen next. I had learnt a lot but I felt emotionally drained, at times crying out for a reason why I was where I was and other times glad to be there. Remembering those angels I had around for tea when I was young my mind began to question the processes I was going through. Where had my belief gone? What about the Bible? Where had my conflict with the church regarding the imbalance between spirit and body gone? Was that just a phase that I had gone through or was there any substance to it? I did not like to admit it but I had to reconcile all these thoughts and face all parts of my character. I kept telling myself that every thing had a reason nothing was by chance. I wanted to create but painting now seemed hollow so I started to write poetry.
Wondering aimlessly about Malvern looking for solace and conversation with people who might have some answers to my nagging questions, I stumbled into a new arcade. There was a feeling that would not go away. I was here for a reason but could not understand what. Not wanting to draw attention to myself, I walked down the arcade, trying to look like a tourist. I just followed my nose ending up in a shop tucked away upstairs. As I walked in I had this compulsion to run. The shop was full of spiritual books, crystals and incense. The conversations were of Living in the light, getting rid of bad karma, getting in touch with our higher selves and going with the flow. This was too much of a coincidence, how had I been drawn to this place after all it was not that easy to find. Eventually I overcame my fear and after a few visits started to talk to the people in there.
Perhaps I was more spiritual than I cared to admit. Christianity rose its head so I quickly buried it. I may want to look at spiritual needs but that conflict would have to wait until I felt stronger and more at one with myself, I was not ready for that yet. I still had this craving to be an artist, letting creativity flow. It was also a spiritual thing. Was this more to do with energy flow than producing masterpieces? This painting was getting in the way, the same way Christianity had seemed to. They both seemed dirty words. This shocked and appalled me, I had to face it and work it out.
I had always been told that spiritual matters other than Christianity were the work of some dark force and not to be tampered with. There was a need to feel spiritual once more but Christianity turned me off, so a new avenue had to be found. Talking with people involved in the new spiritual awareness that was growing in the town made me realize that there may be another way to enlightenment. There was much talk of spirit guides and universal energy. Although interesting I wanted to look at it from a practical human perspective, something real that fitted in with the way I thought. My other big problem was my attitude toward women. Coming out of a divorce I was very protective of my heart. Trusting a woman was almost too hard to contemplate. The poetry turned to prose eventually becoming a sort of diary and I invented an imaginary friend.
This man is seriously deranged you are thinking. Some of the time I would have agreed with you. The way I saw it was that all those years ago my angels helped me get through some difficult times and seemed to enrich my life. So why could not the same thing apply now? I had always talked to myself so why not talk to someone else who does not appear to be there. No harm can come to me as I am in total control. Anyway, it is a bit of fun. I proceeded to talk and converse with this friend and it surprised me the answers I got back when asking questions. As time went on, I decided to give this person a name. Nobody would know it would be my little secret. So I called him Charlie, no reason it just popped into my head. Living close to the hills I did a lot of walking and to start with we only conversed whilst yomping around wondering about things.
My general heath and temper improved and I started to feel alive. The most important thing was that there seemed finally space for me to breathe. There was less conflict, although it was still there I was willing to face it. No major answers were forthcoming but it did not seem to matter. Sometimes I talked to myself and sometimes to Charlie and I noticed a subtle change in my mental ramblings. When I was day dreaming my mind had to work at getting answers sorted out. When I was talking to Charlie there was I distinct presence and thoughts would flow more easily. For a while I dared not think about it too much in case it blew away on the faintest of breezes.
The real shock was when I started to argue and rant and rage sometimes very aggressively at my newfound friend. Occasionally Charlie would disappear. Wait a minute he is a figment of my imagination I thought a thing that kids would do to occupy their time, a trick to help me get through lifes little problems. This cannot be right. My involvement with others who talked about guides and helpers made me wonder whether this Charlie might be something similar. According to the feeling at that time, these guides were a link to a higher source of knowledge. Starting to take the idea more seriously it became clear that he did seem to know things that I believed I did not. There was something odd about the whole experience though; there was nothing to lose so I ran with it. The energy around Charlie was very soft and yielding, as soon as I started to get aggressive with him I was back talking to myself again. Eventually, on one such occasion I shouted aloud. "Call yourself a man?" A reply came slowly and deliberately but with softness. "Im not a man". All fell into place, no wonder he had backed off when the conversations turned angry. He was a she.
I seemed to be out of my depth here. No one had talked about gender or that there was a polite way of doing things, I had just said how I felt at the time. In subsequent dealings with her, I came to realize that she was on her own journey and that I had been a challenge, time to move on. But to who or where? These things seemed to be so real to me now I did not question their validity. I had started so I had to finish.
I heard through Aquarius, the shop in the arcade, of a circle that had started up locally. It was described as a personal development group aiming to increase spiritual awareness and getting through blocks run by a man called Alan. Again, my fear took over so I avoided conversations that might end up suggesting that I went along. Realizing that if there were some creative blocks somewhere deep inside me the leader of the group might be able to help me, I went for some private hypnotherapy. I was not ready to bare my soul to all and sundry in a group. We only had one session, which seemed to calm my fears about him. He was not up in the clouds, very grounded and opened a whole range of possibilities. It was not long before I was attending circle.
The connection between circle, guides and Charlie seems obvious now but at the time I did not believe how my imaginary friend could possible be a part of this spiritual awareness so it never occurred to me to bring it up at circle. Our talk on the hills sometimes got a little heated culminating on one occasion when I was told to Get off, youre disturbing everything. Not long after this Charlies soft energy left to be replaced by a stronger one, which seemed to have an edge to it. I was more respectful toward it, a little unsure of what was going to happen next. There was a lot of telling off and talk of responsibility. I was not sure I really liked this new guide every thing was work and too much like school. The conversations began to take place anywhere now, not just on the hills. This voice would enter my head when I was looking for an answer and point me in the right direction. It was stressed from the start that I had to work at getting the answers. There was no point in being given information and answers if I did not understand. The clues had to be followed.
For a long time I dared not contemplate what gender this new energy was or even if it had a name. Eventually I did ask "My name is Aiddrienne." was the reply "We will be working together for sometime." That seemed to seal it, here I was talking to an imaginary person who has started to tell me what we are going to be doing together. Not only that, we were going to work together. It took some taking in. If this was just a part of me then it meant I had more knowledge than I thought I had. If it was a guide then I must have a belief in something for it to happen. I was hooked This was the beginning of a relationship with Aiddrienne that has lasted for years.
Soon my situation improved, having got a part-time job working the night shift at a local 24hr service station. Working at night seemed to be important, because there was less traffic both on the ether and on the roads. There had been little talk from Aiddrienne, so most of my spare time at work I wrote my thoughts down on paper, trying to make sense of the things that were happening around me. The journal writings were helping me to unravel my thoughts, again no real answers came out but putting it down on paper helped. Strange things started to happen with spelling and punctuation. All the tenses would be mixed up, "I" would become "you" and I found myself crossing things out that I knew I had not thought. Then whole sentences would come out in italic for no reason at all. I was getting a bit fed up with this. Before realizing it, whole pages had been written as though I was talking to someone. Sometimes it just explained why I did what I did. Other times strange information and concepts fell out of my pen. I noticed how smug they were when they would ask this question. They knew what was going on and would take great delight waiting for me to catch up intellectually, then say "Why do you think..." Sometimes it drove me mad. Through it, I learned patience, trust and unconditional love (that has taken years to really believe and understand) amongst other things. This was my first recognized brush with automatic writing. Never ever, underestimate the power of the mind or the annoying rightness of a guide when you are trying to learn something.
